Friday, March 31, 2017

My Apology to REgal EmpireE MotorcyclEs for Fake News

The hallowed Regal Empire Motorcycles logo and motto.
As everyone knows, the United States has been plagued by instances of "fake news" recently. I am ashamed to say I contributed to this last year when I composed what I hoped would be a "humorous" blog post for April Fools Day.

I've just received a stern letter from Cecil Tracker, Social Media Manager for REgal EmpirE MotorcyclEs in Burning-Pot-on-the-Stove, England. The letter was typed on the company typewriter, which has no working lowercase "e" key. However, I was able to make out the message, which scolds me for "untruths that seek to damage REgal EmpirE MotorcyclEs."

It was never my intention to damage REgal EmpirE MotorcyclEs more than they are customarily damaged on delivery. However, as an act of contrition this Lent, and in the interest of combating "fake news," I report below Mr. Tracker's key points:

A. It is patently untrue that the long-awaited parallel twin "Scalded Cat" model, due to be introduced before the end of the century, will in fact have a single cylinder. It will not have, as I alleged, a two-cycle version of the long serving REgal EmpirE "Stove Bolt" single, thus producing twice the power with the same working parts.

B. I lied when I wrote that the new REgal EmpirE Scalded Cat would not have anti-lock brakes, as the company had convinced the Transport Ministry that its motorcycles — essentially stationary objects — did not require them. No, the Scalded Cat will continue with the famed REgal EmpirE drum brakes, which simply will not lock under any circumstances.

C. It is not true that the Scalded Cat will have a sophisticated "stop-start" feature to conserve fuel at stop lights. All REgal EmpirE models will continue the practice of stalling when stopped at an intersection, being easily restarted with the provided kick start "lever" when the rider wishes to proceed.

D. It was a blatant exaggeration to write that REgal EmpirE will offer automatic transmission on the new Scalded Cat. Customers do not favor automatic transmission. In fact, Mr. Tracking writes, REgal EmpirE customers have shown real interest only in "false neutrals" and additional examples of these will be added to the updated gearbox of the new model.

E. Finally, I am especially contrite that I wrote — again, only in an attempt to be funny — that in lieu of a warranty on its products REgal EmpirE MotorcyclEs would instead offer Life Insurance for the rider, benefiting his widow and orphans.

In actual fact this will be true only in foreign markets with laws that encourage "ambulance chasers" to file hurtful and unfair lawsuits against upstanding corporations. Mr. Tracker referred me to the "Customer Care Department" at REgal EmpirE MotorcyclEs, for additional details.

Its address is a Post Office Box in the British Virgin Islands if anyone needs it.

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