Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Enfield's finest flake, Bunty Golightly

First in a series of articles
The greatest Royal Enfield personality of all time was Maj. Bunty Golightly, MFH. He was probably fictional. I say "probably," because, as in the case of Santa Claus, I keep hoping he might be real.

From August, 2000, to November, 2005, the always boorish but never boring Major Golightly entertained the members of the Royal Enfield Yahoo message board with his posts about motorcycles, "peasant hunts," and romps with buxom servant girls. Bunty's creator never broke character and never was unmasked, to my knowledge.

Bunty was not a complete fake. He not only spoofed the retired English soldier and country gentleman, he offered technical tips and displayed a thorough knowledge of motorcycling in "The Day." And, yet, he may have been a young man: he mentioned the birth of an heir at one point.

But enough conjecture! The Major wouldn't have stood for it. Here, in his third posting, is how he introduced himself, after members had advised him on what kind of modern Royal Enfield to buy:

Hello chaps!

Bunty here again , awfully good of you to send me your recommendations -- first class fine fellows every one of you! I was up on the grouse moors in Scotland just last week, wonderful day’s shooting managed to bag 50 brace and a beater, not bad really when you consider the weather we have been having , the beater’s widow made a frightful fuss, wailing and whining -- no sense of decorum at all -- nearly ruined a good day’s sport.

I was talking to my old chums Jock Strapped-Hampton and his son Tiny and they reminded me that the dispatch riders in our regiment used to ride Royal Enfields, model CO, I think they said -- coincidence what? And yes you are right Bill they did make a lovely noise -- berump a bom bom bom! -- rather like breaking wind in the bath don’t you think? -- most satisfying… (stout yeoman -- got my eye on you -- didn’t have a sister Mabel did you? pretty thing about 5 foot -- Land Army 1942 , er suppose not eh?)

Still in a quandary about which mount to choose , the sidecar might be a good notion though -- room for a young filly, eh what! mustn’t let the memsahib know about it -- just between us chaps -- a nods as good as a wink to a blind horse. I can see the balance factor could be a bonus on the way home from the Red Lion too, good thinking that man! (Jan was it? good show) Hope you don’t think me a duffer but I have to ask about the gearchange and kickstart are they still on the right of the machine? Firkin is rather concerned about the kickstart -- has to be on the right don’t you know. Poor blighter’s left leg was shot off at El Alamein and the artificial one is bloody useless for kickstarting. ’Course I’ll pilot the contraption but the gout is bad in the left leg so right gearchange it will have to be -- limited movement due to shrapnel but methinks Firkin could stab the old neutral finder with his walking stick from the pillion.

Can’t type for toffee, don’t yer know, so Mrs Slackcrumpet from the Post Office comes up every other day to assist with the estate office and that sort of bunkum, silly old mare wrote mjr instead of maj, might be a bit of a foreign influence there, her mother was very friendly with some Frenchies during the last war, frightful soldiers the Frenchies -- only the Eyeties could be worse!

Anyway Pete good observation! -- colonial eh! -- not an Aussie are you, good soldiers the Diggers -- have to keep them away from the livestock though -- sheep in particular: dreadful habits!! Like to thank Mr Georgopoulos for his contribution too, right on the button old bean , Greek eh! Good mountain fighters the Greeks; terrible personal hygiene -- all that oily stuff they eat, not for me old man can’t beat roast beef and Yorkshire pudding followed by Bakewell tart and a pint of Fornicator’s Finest bitter to wash it all down. MFH - not a decoration; Master of Fox Hounds! Any more questions -- fire away!

Got to run along now, quick sherry before lunch.
Your servant
Bunty [Bulldog] Golightly

Major, if you're out there, please leave a comment here. I'll write more on the Major next time.

1 comment:

  1. David, good on you for bringing the Major back from retirement!



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